I GOTTA FEEL IT TO HEAL IT

God has placed it on my heart to share this painful moment I experienced about 3 months after I was ordained as a Minister. I think the fact that God didn't bring me through this before I was ordained is what confused me the most lol, like I really thought I was Gucci but suddenly, God needed to deal with the scars in my heart.

The letter to God that I am sharing with you guys below is something that was very intimate between God and I. I wrote it to Him after a solid 45mins to 1hour of crying heavy like I never knew I could cry. It was the day that He brought to my attention ~ the little girl inside of me, the teenager inside of me, that was forced to grow up due to the circumstances of life and took blows after blows, yet, kept on moving forward needed to be felt, heard, held, and healed. Hmm thinking back on it, as the Holy Spirit ministered to me that day, it was one of the most painful things I experienced, but it was also the day I stepped into freedom and began a journey where I would allow myself to feel when I go through painful seasons, and let God heal me through His word, by His Spirit, or through the comfort of loved ones He has placed in my life.

I very hesitant while typing this up, because I feel like I am placing my heart out there, but I continue to type because even if my obedience helps 1 child of God, He is glorified, and with that, I am satisfied.

The little girl inside of me, the teenager inside of me, that was forced to grow up due to the circumstances of life and took blows after blows, yet, kept on moving forward needed to be felt, heard, held, and healed

Here we go!

______________________________________________________________________________

ABBA,

Tonight was painful. Tonight was liberating. Tonight took me by surprise. Tonight was needed. Tonight, I'm walking in deliverance. Tonight, I saw You because I saw me.

Tonight I cried the cries of a child. I cried the tears of I never got to release. For 45 minutes straight, I cried the tears of an old woman at the age of 24.

Tonight I cried pain. I cried hurt. I cried rejection. I cried un-forgiveness. I cried abandonment.

I cried over-responsibility.

I cried love. I cried peace. I cried acceptance. I cried renewal. I cried childhood.

I cried teenage-hood. I cried destiny. I cried self-forgiveness. I cried forgiveness. I cried FREEDOM!

Emotion Captured by Model: Rebecca Rock

For longer than I can remember, I have been walking in full confidence, pushing through life with a big smile on my face - ready to take on every hardship that comes my way. The truth is, I'm just a big mess. I'm a bunch of broken pieces being held together by the Perfect glue called Jesus Christ.

I am now coming to understand that You don't want to hold my pieces together anymore. You want to make me whole.

You want to fill the empty place my sick mother left as she battled demonic oppression while family members took care of me. You want to fill the place that guilt created when I left Haiti at the age of 12 without getting a chance to say goodbye to my mother. You want to remove the pain I've been carrying around unconsciously about abandoning my sick mother in Haiti when my Dad brought me to Canada. You want to father the little girl in me who felt abandoned and rejected by my dad when I had to go into Foster Care due to abuse by my stepmother.

You want to redeem my soul from all the mistakes I made through my teenage years as I walked in ignorance and naivety. You want to comfort me for all the times my stepmother physically abused me for purposeless reasons. You want to set me free from bondages and demonic attacks resulting from the actions of those who came before me (ancestors).

You want to father the child within me that had to grow up fast to fend for herself earlier than her time. You want to carry the load of my family which I have been carrying ever since I gained the understanding of the oppressions in my bloodline. You want to be my Father. My Friend. My Mother. You want to wrap me in Your arms. You want to restore all that has been stolen from me, and all that I've ignorantly given away which has drained me.

You want to break down my walls of protection and build a gate of peace and freedom (around my heart). You want to make me whole. You want to complete my missing pieces, and You are more than enough to do so.

King Jesus, I thought I was okay, but I'm not okay. I need You more than ever. This time, I am facing the giant of painful emotions, past traumas and hurt. The giant that kills slowly when not taken down. But I'm so glad for Your affirmation that I don't have do it on my own. Not anymore.

I was never meant to fight this battle on my own, or by my strength. You have always been there, available to help me carry and lift the weight. But I was blind.

Emotion Captured by Model: Rebecca Rock

I was blinded by my service unto You. I was blinded by the love You've placed inside of me for others. I was blinded by the anointing You've placed upon my life. I was blinded by the heavy intercessory sessions we've had together and the revelations You've shown me. Not that these things are wrong, because they are part of the beautiful picture You're painting with me. But, my focus on them caused me to overlook the weaknesses I needed to surrender to You. I overlooked the hardness of my heart towards myself. I overlooked the child inside of me screaming to be rescued as You develop me as a woman. I overlooked feelings I've buried for years that were seeking and crying for expression.

Tonight, I surrender. I release control to You. Funny this morning I told You that I no longer want You to be a tenant in my life, and that I gave over the deed of my life to You. Now I can see, You've taken ownership and You're doing a deep cleaning because You've come to occupy for life. You've come to mark Your territory. As painful as it is for me to let go, and as dark as this season feels for me, I can also see the light brighter than before.

Lord, I surrender. Holy Spirit I thank You. ABBA, as You told me tonight, not everything that I went through was Your will for me, but every time, You used them for my good. You always did, and You always will. Daddy I say thank You.

Thank You for calling me and choosing me. I am Your bride. I am Your child.

I am more than just Your servant and ministry partner. You see me as Your precious one.

There is nothing You are not willing to do for my freedom, peace, and glory.

You are the lover of my soul, You dwell in my spirit, and You treasure my body.

I am Yours, I am the Apple of Your Eye.

God in Three Persons,

I love You, thank You for loving me first.

Your bride and Your child

Elcie Jean Baptiste

I am walking in healing

I am walking in freedom